Bored with the debate about parenting styles?
Stop for a moment and imagine…
Once upon a time, before Pinterest and Instagram and mom forums, there were few parenting philosophies other than “keep your kid alive.”
Parenting styles were as varied as the parents and kids themselves and it was universally accepted that the vast majority of parents simply did the best that they could.
Some chose to be strict and others were a bit more liberal in how they dealt with their kids. People didn’t meddle in other people’s family business and always deferred to the parent as the one who “knew best.”
Parenting is much different now
Can you see it in your mind’s eye? This mythical and magical world was friendlier to parents and more tolerant of mistakes.
It was mostly believed that decent parents would do right by their own children – whom they knew better than anyone.
Sounds like a fairy tale, right?
The parenting story now is much different.
Today, parenting styles have labels like “helicopter moms” and “free-range kids” and “homeschool parents” and “crunchy moms” and so on.
These titles do only one thing: separate parents and disconnect us from one another. As with so many labels we have put on people all throughout history, they have created factions.
This thinking disconnects parents from one another
Who else hears these kinds of statements thrown out often?
“I’m not that kind of mom who feeds her kid all vegan…”
“My kids are so grateful that I am not a helicopter parent…”
“Those other dads just let their kids have way too much freedom…”
“I am a breastfeeding mom!”
“Working moms are always tired and stretched too thin…”
“Stay at home dads are weird…”
“Homeschool parents are smothering their kids…”
It seems harmless but it is not as innocuous as it sounds at first glance. These types of discussions are constant reminders and reinforcement of stereotypes.
This thinking disconnects parents from one another. If there is one thing that parents need, it is each other. But, none of us believe that we have anything in common with parents outside of our parenting “cliques.”
When did doing the best we can become unacceptable?
If I see a mom feeding her kid an organic vegan lunch at the park, why shouldn’t my sons and I pull up a chair with McDonald’s bags?
Has it really become so divided that I cannot find anything to chat about with her? If my kids go to public school and your kids are homeschooled, are we not both just parents doing the best we can?
And, when did doing the best we can become unacceptable?
The old cliche is true. Our kids don’t come with handbooks and every single kid (even kids in the same family) is a totally unique person.
I know, personally, that much of what works with one of my kids is not useful in parenting my other. Adopting parenting tactics based on your child’s needs is what businesspeople call “situational leadership” and it just makes sense.
It may feel like other people are judging you
What is probably most troubling about the fact that common sense parenting is no longer the norm is that most parents are putting these weird pressures on themselves.
It may feel like other people are judging you and attempting to shape your parenting decisions but that is often not the case.
Humans tend to compare ourselves against others and when we do that we lose sight of what makes us unique. It also creates hostility. Let’s talk about some of those divisive statements from before. What are we really saying?
What is said…
What it means…
“I’m not that kind of mom who feeds her kid all vegan…”
Should my kids be eating better?
“Homeschool parents are smothering their kids…”
Do you think my kids wish they could be home with me more?
“Working moms are always tired and stretched too thin…”
Despite what people might think, I am doing the right thing staying home.
“Those other dads just let their kids have way too much freedom…”
Am I too strict? No way! I am just better than other parents…
We set up barriers blocking out other parents because we are afraid of judgment – but we are more afraid of our own judgment than of theirs. In the past, we did not have nearly as many ways to compare and compete. But, now there is a Facebook group for every “type” of parent out there and seems like everyone identifies as some sort of parent or another.
It’s like something straight out of a movie about high school bullies
The even more obnoxious trend I notice is one parent telling another parent that they are not actually an “xxxx parent.” For example, “You bottle and breastfeed? You are NOT a breastfeeding mom!” or “You work from home? That’s not the same as being a working parent.” In this case, the comparisons are not all in your head.
It’s like something straight out of a movie about high school bullies. It is an attempt to build oneself up by putting others down. Don’t do it and definitely don’t let people like that affect you.
Every situation is different.
You are unique and so are your kids.
I have a radical suggestion. Stop identifying as any certain sort of parent.
Forget about comparing yourself to anyone else. Have the confidence and courage to just be you. This is a message we hear in every part of our lives but when it comes to raising kids, we somehow miss this important point.
This is also beneficial in teaching your children to be themselves. You are not any certain type of parent and the family is not a specific kind of family.
They are not pigeonholed into being something that fits that arbitrary mold.
I think renowned parenting expert Spock said it best: “The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all.”
Also read:
- 8 Tips On How To Cope When Your Parenting Styles Clash
- What Not To Do – The 13 Habits of Mentally-Strong Parents
