There are many, many things that you are not told before you make that giant leap into parenthood.
You are not told that you will lose whole days to cleaning children’s poo off clothing, carpets and walls.
You are not told that being kissed by snotty faces and catching projectile vomit with your bare hands will be an almost everyday occurrence.
You are not told that if you wear spectacles you will have to buy an extra four pairs a year to keep up with toddler-related damage and attrition.
And you are most definitely not told that your precious bundle of joy will make it their life’s mission to embarrass the hell out of you on a daily basis, especially when you least expect it.
“My daughter keeps asking to see people’s butt holes. She means belly button.”
But the good news (if you can call it that…) is that you are not alone. So, to make you feel better (it’s always nice to laugh at other people’s misfortunes, right?), here are some of the funniest stories we could find online.
There is nothing more amusing, when you are a small child (who are we kidding, there is nothing funnier, period), than good old-fashioned toilet humour.
But try telling that to 4LightsThereAre, who posted this cringe-worthy story on Reddit.
“So we’re in the Winco restroom…and my daughter very loudly says ‘Oh my goodness, Mommy, some lady is pooping! She’s pooping SO loud! She has waterfall poops! Maybe I’ll take her some extra wipes.’ And I’m like ‘Ssshh! SHHHHHH! NO! You’re not taking anyone wipes, just mind your own business.’ And she goes ‘Hey Miss Lady, you need to flush! It’ll stink less!’ “
There is nothing that grabs the attention of a child quite like a body part. Or, more specifically, a private body part.
Sharing on Twitter, @EChanagasubbay wrote:
Embarrassing moment number one of the day. Number five shouting milk at the old ladies boobs in the gym changing room! #embarrassingkids
— The Joy Of Five (@thejoyoffive) October 9, 2015
Back to Reddit and to meh_nummeh_nuh for a story which epitomises child-rearing.
“When my son was four, we were in line at Target:
Son: Mama, why do you have a fuh-china and I don’t?
Me: (almost whispering) Because boys and girls are built differently. But let’s talk more about this at home. Did you have a good day at school?
Son: (loudly) ohhhhh wait! I know! When I turn 5, my penis will fall off and THEN I will have a fuh-china. Right?
Son: Or maybe you’ll grow a penis?”
Sometimes, children don’t just embarrass you, but they make you – and others around you – question your parenting skills and wonder exactly what kind of human you have raised.
Huge thanks to Frotodile, who posted this hilarious story on Reddit:
“My sister was at church one Sunday and our minister did a weekly children’s message to get the kids more involved in the service. This particular week he was discussing enemies and how we should treat them. He asked all the kids “What do we do to our enemies?” and having grown up playing with my brother, which a lot of the time was pretending to be soldiers, she replied “WE KILL THEM” I imagine my parents were pretty mortified.”
It’s not always fair to blame a child for their embarrassing misdemeanours. Sometimes, they are just mimicking behaviour they witness at home.
Posting on Reddit, Sambehrs shared this delightful story:
“Around the house, my husband and I will playfully slap each other’s butts in passing when the other is bent over doing something. When I was walking through the grocery store with my daughter, who was about four at the time, we passed a very large woman bent down looking at a display. My daughter slapped her butt as we walked by and I had a very difficult time not giggling while I apologized.”
And sometimes, kids like to embarrass their parents just for the hell of it. And just because they can.
On Circle of Moms, Christina posted:
“I was walking out of McDonalds. The kids had just played in the park. And my son didn’t want to leave and was fighting me all the way to the car and he got so mad he pulled down my skirt and I wasn’t wearing any underwear.”
On Twitter, @trieste1924, shared this lovely tale about an ever-so-helpful pre-schooler:
When your 3 year old takes a packet of sanitary towels out of the shopping bag and says, 'Mum, here's your nappies!' #embarrassingkids
— Claire (@trieste1924) April 25, 2012
But we’ve saved our four favourite stories until the end.
First, an example of adults’ revenge from Donny_Do_Nothing on Reddit.
“My daughter is eight now, but when she was two, I taught her to say ‘behold’ instead of ‘look’. We’d be at the store or something and she’d go to point out whatever damn thing she saw, ‘Daddy, behold!'”
Then our top two, please-ground-open-up-and-swallow-me moments from Reddit’s Dogcatsnake and Error_flynne.
“When I was about four, I must have had some kind of infection or itch down there, and one morning at breakfast my dad’s coworker came in to pick my dad up for work. I said, ‘Hi, Don, my vagina hurts!’ and he politely ignored me, but I kept saying it over and over and over. ‘Don, can you hear me? My vagina hurts!‘ Guess I just wanted some acknowledgement, but my parents just wanted to die. The poor guy was doing his best to pay no attention to me, but I was making it pretty difficult.”
“I was riding on a public bus and my 5-year-old put her hand on a guy’s shoulder in the seat in front of us and said, ‘This man is very fat.‘”
The horror! The horror!
But, finally, a feelgood story from Reddit’s TheHikingPanda, in which an amazing mom deals with her offspring’s embarrassing outburst in the most brilliant fashion.
“I grew up in a small town in the mountains with very little ethnic diversity, and I hadn’t seen a black person until I was about four. My mom had to go to the grocery store and, naturally, took little me. When we were in the parking lot I saw someone who didn’t look like anyone I had seen in my little life. My eyes widened, and I pointed while slowly raising my voice, ‘Mom, mom, that man is DIFFERENT!’ My mom was of course mortified, but she handled it way better than I ever could have. ‘Yes, that man is different, just like how puppies can be different colors too, isn’t that neat?’ At that moment it must have clicked for me ‘Yeah, yeah that IS neat, Mom.’ I then proceeded to walk up to the man to say ‘Hi’, and introduce myself and talk about how we were like puppies.”
Now, that’s how to deal with embarrassing children!